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Jokes - too funny not to pass on
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kronological



Posts: 7

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 6:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The cigar story is good, but not true.

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/c/cigars-fire-ins.htm

Pretty creative though.
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KryseeMac



Posts: 64

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 8:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story if from the gbluesfamily from another site Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.



When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.



When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my
sister started to cry.



It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!



Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!



My son and I decided we are going to pull this on his new wife when we get a chance. Of course, she'll just turn around and yell for both of us knowing it was the both of us. My son and I make a baaad pair.

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Tsurfer



Posts: 636

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 5:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing The turkey story is so funny. I just picture that and laughing so hard. Razz Razz Razz Razz
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ebetterbargains



Posts: 14

PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats an instant classic no doubt. I once told a sales person for a phone company trying to get me to switch services that i didnt need their service because i didnt have a phone, then hung up Confused
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tchgiftsandthings
Guest




PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a joke.... but kind of cute....

Spindrift by Joe Gilbert
"Youngsters, God Bless 'Em!"

The following is from a test given to elementary school children regarding statements about the Old and New Testaments. The wording and spelling are exactly as written.

*In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
*Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came in on pears.
*Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day but a ball of fire at night.
*The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
*Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
*Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
*Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
*The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
*The first commandment was when Eve told Adam not to eat the apple.
*The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry.
*Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
*Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
*When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
*Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
*Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do unto you. He also explained that man does not live by sweat alone.
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ElfsPlace



Posts: 99

PostPosted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you don't laugh at this something is wrong with you. I have read this before but it still cracks me up!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS _DESTRUCTION!@$$!%_

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs .I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,
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ElfsPlace



Posts: 99

PostPosted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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eleganzajewels
Guest




PostPosted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, guess I'll post this one AGAIN, since the thread I posted it in about an hour ago has disappeared!

My grandson, who turns 6 this Sunday, is just learning about different ethnicities, languages, etc.

He asked me the other day, "Grandma, why do Chinese people look at me like this??" and scrunched his eyes up LOL

This is the same kiddo who I was babysitting New Year's Eve the year before last, and was watching his mom's friend's 2 year old, too, so the parents could paint the town.

Christopher, the 2 year old, was babbling a mile a minute all evening, but couldn't understand one word he said. I told The Jules (my grandson, Julian) Christopher was talking baby talk. Jules said, "Oh, no, Grandma, that's Spanich, he's talking Spanich!" Same year he discovered he could change his Rudolph DVD from English to Spanish, and he played it over and over in Spanish.

Maybe he's fated to work in the U.N.! Cool
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ElfsPlace



Posts: 99

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 1:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, your a** is mine."
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eleganzajewels
Guest




PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ROFLMAO!! Good one!

If they'd only add Antonio Banderas for the women's weight loss plan - I'd sign up for a 30 day/100 lb weight loss!!
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2BOYSandTOYS



Posts: 525

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ROFL - love it.....goodness - my luck would have the '3rd one' showing up at first - vs. last - Embarassed Cool Wink

Erin
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TheCookieLadyCafe



Posts: 282

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I posted this in "All smiles"...but I think it deserves a two-fer. Laughing


When I have an appointment with a YOUNG doctor I tell this story.
____________________________________________________
-An elderly woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 69 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
_________________________________________________

I am taken in a different light after they hear that joke...disguised as a warning. You fill in the blanks. Embarassed Wink Very Happy

The Cookie Lady
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eleganzajewels
Guest




PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 8:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
ROFL - love it.....goodness - my luck would have the '3rd one' showing up at first - vs. last -


Just think of all the co-pays ya'd save!

Elf, I wanna know when you're HBO special is coming out - TOO FUNNY!

(running off to find another silver lining LOL...)
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secondlookbooks
Guest




PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

At the Bus Stop

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a
quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to
raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that
she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not
raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again
reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take
the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of
the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we
was friends
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YourRainyDayBookStore



Posts: 764

PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything
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