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Jokes - too funny not to pass on
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bigtallmensclothing
moderator


Posts: 21854

PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 6:59 pm    Post subject: Jokes - too funny not to pass on Reply with quote

How to deal with calls from telemarketers!! FUNNY

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal,
and as I answered it, I was greeted with "Is this William Wagenhoss?"
not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?


The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered
Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he
knew William personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body
and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the
caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line
because we had already traced his call and he would be receiving a
summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder
case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the
dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before
he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were
given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position
at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him
into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.

When I returned to the dining table, my wife asked me why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

By the time I returned to the table, the meal was cold, but it was nevertheless very enjoyable.
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kronological



Posts: 7

PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 11:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

THAT is too funny! Laughing
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partnersvarietystore
Guest




PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like that it was funny. I usually just hang up on them. Laughing
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bigtallmensclothing
moderator


Posts: 21854

PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one is so in my books of all time favorites! This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!


Wax is not your friend!!


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise,
the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer
eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker
of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!! Everything is
swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped
up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot
down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-
epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-
ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt !!
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CameoKids



Posts: 13

PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMG!!!! I'm just about to wet myself! Your are tooooo funny! Loved both your stories. My other half and I are dying laughing at this last one! Smile
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CraftbooksnMore



Posts: 28

PostPosted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Funny! Laughing Thanks for the great laugh, I needed that.
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DressVooDoo



Posts: 7

PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:27 am    Post subject: girlie goodies waxed shut Reply with quote

ha! the trick to that wax thing is aspirin or if you have stronger drugs take them!!! I have waxed for years because unfortunately I am a hairy woman. Nice thick head hair usually means nice thick leg hair also! And it grows just as fast as 5 oclock shadow!! Drugs!
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IntimateDimensions
Guest




PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 8:31 am    Post subject: Keeping the Laughter Alive... Reply with quote

Some of you may have already checked this one out, but it well worth posting, everytime you listen you laugh, or at least I do....

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Don't mess with Granny's...LOL
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BlueByrdCollectibles



Posts: 94

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the laughs; you guys made my day Laughing
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fchfurniture



Posts: 20

PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it. haha-------
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CraftbooksnMore



Posts: 28

PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too funny!

The guy's laugh is contagious. I will definitely share this one
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BargainBarn



Posts: 95

PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 2:02 pm    Post subject: Idiot sighting at airport Reply with quote

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
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BargainBarn



Posts: 95

PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 2:04 pm    Post subject: Crosswalk at redlight Reply with quote

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
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BargainBarn



Posts: 95

PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 2:05 pm    Post subject: Signature on a credit card? Reply with quote

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
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BargainBarn



Posts: 95

PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 2:10 pm    Post subject: The Lawyer and the Insurance Co. Reply with quote

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD

THINKS WE'RE NUTS
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